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Micheal Ó Muircheartaigh masterpieces
A certain Kerrymans diary
Extracts from a GAA Pundits diary ( this is anentirely fictionalcharacter and any similarities with any individual, living or dead, are completely coincidental).
Day 1
Another Monday, another cheque in the back pocket from RTE thanks to my witty, outrageous and controversial 'Monday Feedback' corner on the Monday Game. The moneys good but it would want to be - dragging me up to this shitheap every week away from my beautiful Kingdom. On the upside though, I was backstage in 'makeup' this evening, when who should walk in but Sharon Ni Bheoilan, the chick from the News I wouldn't mind going up for a 50/50ball with her-if you catch my meaning. I think I'll give her a signed copy of my excellent autobiography that usually has the babes begging for some Kingdom-Love.
I don't know why I have to go into makeup anyway-they usually sit me beside those gobshites O'Rourke and Lyster in the studio - sure no makeup could clean those two cunts up -especially O'Rourke, the fuckwit looks like some horrible genetic experiment gone wrong. I read through my emails, phonecalls and letters - you know I don't like Clare fuckers but that psycho Loughnane made one good point in his life - its only nutters that bother ringing into these programs they should get a life - in fact I think I'll bring that into my rant this evening.
Joe Brolly is the other guest tonight, the nordy cunt. Thinks he's as outspoken as me, what the fuck would he know - with only one All-Ireland to his name Lyster that smarmy bollix seems to like him though I don't trust that fucker Apparently Brolly is a barrister . What kind of nordy Catholic is a barrister? an orange one I'd say. He'll take some watching
Day 2:
- a few days later Its great being a GAA pundit - spout some shite a couple of times a week and laugh all the way to the bank. Take today for instance, I was sitting in the jacks having a nice dump when all of a sudden I remember 'shit I have to have my Sunday Worst column submitted by this evening'. Its fucking demeaning to have to write for that rag, what do they know about the beautiful sport of Gaelic Football anyway the shower of jackeen bastards?
Anyway, back to the column - I write a splendid piece of prose about how great the Munster Final is when its Cork and Kerry competing and those inbreds in Clare and Tipp are knocked out. I suppose I'll be getting death threats from the Clare cunts again - they're so fucking touchy. They know they have no right to be even on the same pitch as the mighty, majestic is provoke, to analyse, to spout shit - and I do it so well.
Day Number 3 Back on the Monday Game for the 'Feedback' slot. No sign of Sharon in makeup, pity. Brolly comes into the studio - he's becoming a bit of a fixture around here. I start whistling 'The Sash' - I think it throws him off his stride a bit. Lyster brought up the subject of Offaly football. Offaly -those cheating bastards - I'll never forgive them for '82, scum - thats all they are.
I tell the nation what I feel - shoot from the hip. Brolly tries to cut across me, tell him to shut up, he hasn't got enough All-Ireland medals to interrupt me. After the show, he won't talk to me - what would you expect from an Orange bastard?
Day4 I met Micko the other day. Kildare are out (not fucking suprising really, the shower of cripples)and he's contemplating his future. All the papers were saying he was the greatest football manager of all time. In fairness its easy to be a good manager when you havethe greatest player ever to grace a sports pitch of any description on your side.
I told his so aswell - I said'Mick, I'm the reason we won so much, not your fucking training routines and diets - what good did they do Kildare? You had to bring that useless garsoon offspring of yours up there with you and he was their best player'. We parted company - I meeting Micko, we have great chats.
The GAA persons most used phrases
Báta - eg "I gave it báta" - I put a fair bit of effort into it
Stomached - surprised eg. "Jaysus when he came up behind me I was awful stomached"
Bollix - John Denton or Pat Spillane
Mighty - very good
Hames - a right shite - eg. "he made a hames of that clearance"
Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent
Welt - swing at
Lamp - a good thump
A Crowd - Eg. "that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of shites"
Schkelp - a good thump
Bullin' - angry. eg. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him"
Bull thick - very angry
Joult - a push
Joshel - a shoulder push
The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general
Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"
The Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player
A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.
Citeog - he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed
Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f*ckin' warp you"
Blast - A great amount of anything.
Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness
A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!
Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Paul Hanley gave Padraig Griffin an awful flakin' below in Clon on Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".
Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?
Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent
Leh-it-in-ta-fuck-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass
Mullocker - untidy or awkward players
Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in we horsed them out of it. Sometimes referred to as kicking/batin' the shit out of the opposing team.
Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club
Burst the Cunt - Common exhortation also referred to as the Turlough' roar.
Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurls like lunatics
Massive Row - Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences
Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and or dressing room areas
Pull hard Pull often, and let every pull be a funeral !! You know you are a junior hurler when.....
1. You spend all winter on the beer speculating on who will be brought in to manage the junior hurling team next year
2. The hardest tackle you will make all year is in an indoor soccer match in January
3. When you break your brother-in-law's leg
4. There are 35 at training under lights on a bitter February night (unfit but enthusiastic) - the average for August is 7 (unfit, sick of training and making silage)
5. The club treasurer spends some time at the AGM lamenting the yearly cost of running a club and especially the bill for hurleys; a month later, the team is being urged to "give 'em timber lads - we have plenty of hurleys on the sideline..."
6. When you go for a pick-up, you tap the ball at least twice on the hurley before you fumble it
7. Ground hurling is for juveniles and camogie players
8. The full forward has his son and grand nephew in the corners
9. The grand nephew is two years older
10. For a 2.30 throw-in, you start packing your gear bag at 2.40 and still manage to be on the field before the referee even arrives
11. You can get a match called off because your star player is playing divisional under-16 the following week
12. Your tight marking corner back never gives an inch - except of course, when the ball gets inside his own 50 and he charges out after it with all the other backs, forgetting that the other team are even on the field
13. Your goalie lets in a sitter every second game - this usually happens after you have scored 5 points from play to reel in a difficult half-time deficit
14. Or in the first minute if it is a final
15. Your full-forward can't score but "he's a good man to bust up the play"
16. Your centre-forward can't score either but "he'll stop a good man from hurling"
17. Your championship is either a round robin that requires you to play six league games to eliminate one team, or a knockout starting in October
18. Any members of your panel that claim to have back injuries are either lazy or completely daft - unless you can see blood, bruises or bandages, they are making it up
19. Before every match, the forwards are told to stay wide and not bunch - but this is not what happens. The only time any forward goes wide is to take a sideline cut or if they are looking for water
20. Your backs play from behind waving a hurley with one hand whilst resting the other on the forward's back - this is why all your scores and all their scores come from frees
21. You can't field a team during the fortnight of the Leaving Cert
22. Your star player always has one other brother "that was even better but he couldn't stay off the drink"
23. Your left-corner-back plays at No.4 because he can only strike off his left side
24. Ditto No.7
25. The more people instruct you to "let fly if you don't get it up the first time", the more you ignore them.
Phil Neville walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist. "Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?". "Yes" replies Neville "you should have my details on your computer". Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I get a lap dancer for you?" Why do I need help?" asks Neville. The receptionist replies "Well,it says on your record that you're a useless wanker..
Why GAA lads dont play rugby
Players clubbing together to make up a team
AGAINST THE BREEZE By Paddy Heaney
Remember the cloth caps, crazy women and club mascots. These characters were presented in the results of a survey examining the personality of club supporters. A number of readers have since queried if similar research has been conducted with regard to club footballers. By a great coincidence, the findings of a detailed analysis of our club footballers has just been completed, and some of the results are published in this week's column.
- Physio's Friend: Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical physio's friend and they are: 'lame for every game'. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, sore groins, you name it, and he has had it. - Physiotherapists dream about getting one of these players on their client list. He is the ideal customer. Once a physio's friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten. With a guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined, the sick one will pay bills, mortgages and put children through university.
- The Male Model: It's easy to spot the male model at training sessions. He's the player wearing the Cork jersey on Monday, Meath on Wednesday and Dublin on Friday. Not only will he have the jersey, he'll also have the accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport a healthy tan for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing room guaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his liberal application of deodorant, he can be difficult to see as he will be enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male Model despises the fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers. However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing room looking and smelling his very best. -
County Star (Club Hero): He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep at night by counting O'Neill's footballs floating over a crossbar. Despite huge commitments to the county panel, he will be a regular attender at club training sessions. The Club Hero is highly valued, primarily for his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club heroes watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from cigarettes. If they have one weakness, it's women. For some misguided reason they are under the illusion that women are not detrimental to your health.
- County Star (The Invisible Man): This other type of county footballer enjoys a love/hate, though mostly hate, relationship with his club's supporters. They love him when he turns up for matches because he can be the difference between winning and losing a match. They hate him because they think he is a big headed poser, who seeks only personal glory through his county team, while abandoning the very club that taught him how to play the game.
- Hard Ground Specialist: Just as there are race horses that cannot cope with soft ground, so there are footballers who feel ill-suited toearlyseason training. Hard ground specialists consider the dedicated winter trainers to be mere point-to-pointers, whereas they are the genuine flat-race thoroughbred. With the recent good weather, they will havestarted to appear at training sessions throughout the country in their droves
- The Schoolboy: The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: football. Carrying absolutely no weight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the team are jealous of schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior football is the traditional sacrificial ground where balding corner-backs regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason. Schoolboys are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay clear of serious injury.
- The Student: The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that of the caterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only ambition was to get on the senior team; the student discovers the pleasures of wine, woman and song. Football is put way down the agenda. For the first six months of his fresher year the student will have a silly looking smile permanently attached to his face. A pot belly will start to develop in his midriff. He will give the excuse of either assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet there will be repeated sightings of him in Paykos, Club FX, The Western Star, The Wash, The Courthouse, Havana Browns, Mangans; you get the picture. The club hero will try to lecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless, he will be a lost soul for the next four years. Due to space constraints these are all the players that can be described today.
Other players which could not be included were: Team Talker, Psycho, Mr Excuses, and the Nearly Man. others would include the one more year man .... brought on with ten minutes to go to rapturous roars from the crowd., never won a medal, jersey clinging to the belly, socks up around the bandaged knee. Subject to rushes of blood to the head which guarantee a ball to be ballooned into the stands after a headless thirty yard run driven on by the crowd. the Horse ....... who has no football whatsoever, but is there on pure brute strength alone, and would spend a full training session lining up for a crack at either the Model, the Schoolboy, the Student or the County Star.
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50 reasons why GAA is better than soccer
1. Paul Gascoigne.
2. The offside rule. Boring.
3. Bribery scandals.
4. Because the championship has always been the Championship. The League of Ireland has had more new improved formulas than most washing powders.
5. Because GAA heroes generally don't turn into villains overnight.
6. Vinnie Jones would bawl like a baby if he ever came up against Brian Mullens (Brian McGilligan, Brian Corcoran..) And that's just three Brians that spring to mind.
7. The GAA may not appreciate its women as much as it should, but at least we all know who Angela Downey is. The most famous woman in English soccer is Posh Spice.
8. It's hard to feel passionate about any sport that John Major feels passionate about. Plus David Mellor never made love to anyone while wearing a GAA jersey.
9. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
10. Andy Gray.
11. Jimmy Hill.
12. Micheal O Murcheartaigh.
13. Nobody sings "You'll never beat the Irish" at GAA games.
14. RTE would never foist Brendan O'Carroll on the GAA viewership.
15. Wimbledon as a "Dublin" team.
16. No segregation at GAA matches.
17. The GAA player who performs in front of 70,000 at the weekend will be teaching your kids on Monday or he'll be selling you meat or fixing your drains or representing you in court. The soccer player who performs in front of 70,000 fans at the weekend will be moaning about too many games and trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear.
18. GAA players don't sell stories to the Sun.
19. GAA players don't have stories that the Sun would want to buy.
20. Bungs
21. Backpasses.
22. Barry Venison's dress sense
23. Jack Walker can buy a league title. You can't buy an All-Ireland.
24. Nobody ever proposed making GAA goals bigger. Not even Charlie Redmond.
25. GAA nicknames are better: Sambo Hunter, Fat Larry, Babs, Bingo and so on. Soccer players just add a Y to each other's surnames.
26. You always remember what county your Irish teacher came from.
27. GAA people care so much about the weaker GAA counties that we sensitively refer to them as the "so-called weaker counties". English soccer just makes the premier league smaller.
28. How many soccer players does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to stick it in. Ten to hug and kiss him afterwards.
29. Soccer players go to Rumours. GAA players go to the pub.
30. If a GAA player ever jumped at a spectator like Eric Cantona did the rest of his team would join in. So would the rest of the crowd.
31. DJ Carey in full flight.
32. Sky runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA.
33. Jimmy Barry Murphy was the coolest skinhead ever to grace a playing field.
34. There's nothing like seeing the bonfires blazing when a winning team reaches its home borders. 35. The GAA season always leaves you wanting more. The soccer season leaves soccer people demanding less. "Fewer games please."
36. GAA players run faster, hit harder and last longer. Nobody acts like a grenade just went off if they get tripped.
37. GAA teams are numbered one to fifteen, soccer team shirts read like the Lotto results.
38. All soccer players wear shinguards. Some hurling players even wear helmets.
39. The GAA is about where you're from. English Premisership soccer is about who you like.
40. The GAA won't sell us all out by starting a European SuperLeague.
41. Old soccer players get testimonials, Old GAA players just slip down to junior. Dog rough it is too. 42. Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park.
43. Ghosted soccer biographies.
44. England soccer managers in the Sun.
45. No soccer team has a name quite as lovely as that belonging to Fighting Cocks of Carlow.
46. There are always two men in white coats behind each goal at GAA games. Very wise.
47. Croke Park.
48. The bands are better.
49. "The Clash of the Ash" was a great film about the GAA. "Escape to Victory" was a film about soccer. It starred Michael Caine, BobbyMoore, Pele and Sylvester Stallone.
50. Roy of the Rovers was a prat.
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A joke was sent in from Mick in Tipp: Whats the difference between the Clare Hurling Team and the Ryder Cup Team? There's only one langer in the Ryder Cup Team
Sporting Funnies
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MEATH JOKES
Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A. They had pictures of Meath players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Meath fan in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What do you have when 100 Meath fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. What do Meath fans use for birth control? A. Their personalities.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Meath fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should youdo? A. Shoot the Meath fan - twice.
Q. What's the difference between the Meath goalie and Pamela Anderson? A. Pamela's only got two tits in front of her.
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The Irish soccer team are having a meeting on the eve of a game against England and Mick McCarthy says to the lads.
"Look lads, I know they are absolutely shite and we don't want to play them, but we have to or face the wrath of the FAI"
Roy Keane peps up "I've got an idea. Why don't youse all go down to the pub and let me play them on my own, after all I'm good enough to beat them myself. And remember, they are totally shite!!
"Brilliant idea Roy" says Mick, "Let's do that!"
On the day of the game, the lads are in the pub playing pool when Niall Quinn remembers the match is on. He flicks the teletext on and up comes the score. ENGLAND 0, IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 MIN) The lads cheer and get the drinks in. At about 4:50pm, they go to the teletex again and up comes the score: ENGLAND 1 (SHEARER, 93 min), IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min)
"Oh Fuck!" cries McCarthy, "What the fuck went wrong?" They all leave the bar and jump into taxis and head back to Landsdowne Road. They rush in to find Keane sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
"Well Roy, what the fuck happened?!?" screams McCarthy. Roy protests, "it was all going well and I had the game under control, then that bastard of a referee sent me off in the 12th minute".
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Q. What does the English football team and Frank Bruno have in common. A. There both out after round one
Q. What do a three-pronged plug and the England soccer team have in common ? A. They're both useless in Europe.
Why did the chicken cross the road - football managers explain:
Arsene Wenger "From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic."
David O'Leary "To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season."
Sir Alex Ferguson "As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch."
George Graham "I want good, solid team chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!"
Gianluca Vialli "When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch for Chelsea."
Peter Reid "Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!"
Glenn Hoddle "The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken.
Brian Clough "If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey."
Ron Atkinson "Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed."
Ruud Gullit "I am hoping to see some sexy poultry."
Gordon Strachan "I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck."
Bobby Robson "Urrrm. Well. You know. The um, pig. Chocken. Sorry, chicken fella. Well, what's his name? Bugger, I've wet myself again."
John Gregory "Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him."
Kevin Keegan "OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road."
TRY IT OUT AND SEE IF IT DOES WORK FOR YOU AND IF IT DOESN'T WELL THEN YOU ARE ONE OF THE 2% WHO ARE COMPLETELY WIRED TO THE MOON. , Just follow the instructions below:
DON'T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.
FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can! What is:
2+2?
4+4?
8+8?
16+16?
Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5. Got it?
Now scroll down...
The number you picked was 7, right?
Isn't that weird???Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really. Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something).........
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down.
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.
Keep going.
You're thinking of a carrot right? If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?
Also pretty weird:
Two different tests which are bizarre but seemingly true.
(1) Read the sentence below:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Now, go back and count the number of "F's" in the sentence. Answer below:
There are six "F's". The human brain tends to see the F in "OF" as a "V". Rarely will anyone find more than three "F's" in the sentence.
(2) ANOTHER ONE: Magic trick follow directions DO THIS BY THE RULES....
Try this and you will be amazed! Don't look ahead! Just do it step by step SLOWLY.
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did.
1) pick a number from 1-9
2) subtract 5
3) multiply by 3
4) square the number (multiply by the same number-not a square root)
5) add the digits until you get only one digit i.e. 64=6+4= 10=1+0=1)
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) multiply by 2
8) subtract 6
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc....
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12) think of the color of that mammal
(keep scrolling)
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry.
You have a grey elephant from Denmark. and now what are you going to do with it??